Being Strong
by Forlay
Summary: One of Rachel's classmates die, leaving her to wonder why.


_Dedicated to Rita and all the friends she left behind. We all miss you!!!_

#  Being Strong

##  By: Forlay

"Rachel! Hurry up, you'll be late!" My mom called from the hall outside my door.   
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" I shouted back, throwing the necklace I was planning to wear that day down. The stupid clasp wasn't clasping and I didn't have the time to mess with it. I'd had a late night after a fiasco with the Yeerks and today was the start of the new semester, which meant I was supposed to stop by the office early to check on my new schedule.   
Deciding to skip wearing a necklace entirely, I grabbed my backpack off my desk chair and ran down the stairs.   
Mom was at the kitchen table reading the paper as I ran past her to grab my coat. "Definitely don't have time for breakfast this morning, Mom," I said as I shrugged into my coat. I flipped my hair out from under the collar and bent down to pick up my back pack when Mom looked up from the paper and said, "A girl in your grade at your school died over the weekend."   
I froze and looked up at her. "What?"   
"Amanda Buscher?" I shook my head, I didn't know anyone by that name. I walked over to the table and looked over her shoulder at the paper. Near the bottom of the article was a girl's school photo. "Oh, my God."   
"What?"   
"I did know her. Sorta. Y'know, I passed her in the halls and stuff."   
Mom stood up and gave me a hug. "What happened?" I asked.   
"She and her family were snowmobiling up north, she hit a tree."   
I was in shock. A snowmobiling accident? Of all the senseless things that could happen to a kid! I shrugged out of Mom's grip and grabbed my bag. "I've got to go."   
"Okay. Bye. Love you."   
"You, too," I said as I walked out the door into the cold winter air.   
I walked to school fast, trying to keep warm and get to school on time. Even though I ran part of the way, I was still about six minutes from the school when I heard the five minute warning bell ring. I cursed under my breath and began to run again.   
I got into the building seconds before the bell rang, but the halls were still crowded. Students were packed into the office trying to get their schedules organized while others were hugging eachother and crying. Teachers were standing in the hall, trying to hurry students to class, but there wasn't much they could do for those who were grieving without coming off as heartless. I wound my way to my locker and got out my first hour books. I wasn't going to try and fight my way into the office, the only class I had that should have been changing was third hour, I would get my schedule before then.   
The door to first hour was practically blocked by the mob of students who were gathered near Amanda's locker. From what I saw between bodies, friends were decorating her locker and had posters up across from it they were writing notes on. Not wanting to be rude, I quietly made my way into the classroom when I found a gap between people. Only a few others were in the class, everyone else was either in the office or still in the hall.   
About ten minutes into when class should have started, everyone was in their seats. The teacher had enough time to take attendance quickly before the morning announcements came over the PA system, only instead of the usual student wishing us a good morning, it was the principal with an announcement about Amanda. He said a lot of stuff about what a wonderful person and gifted student Amanda was. I thought it sounded pretty fake and someone behind me pointed that out saying "How do you know? You didn't even know her!" a few others agreed. After saying when visitation and the funeral would be, he ended with thirty seconds of silence in Amanda's memory. I had never heard my class quieter, the only sound was the occasional sniff from someone either near tears, with a cold, or both. After the silence was up, the principal wished us a good day and ended the announcement. Our teacher reiterated the fact that if any of us needed to go talk to a counselor during the hour, we could just tell her and she'd let us go. Our moment of sentiment was over then, and class officially started.

Getting to my other classes was nearly impossible with the crowds that gathered in the halls, but the teachers understood, no one was counted tardy.   
In my last class of the day, geometry, I sat down in my usual seat next to Cassie. "Hey," I greeted her.   
"Hi," she said quietly.   
I looked over at her. "Oh, no. You knew her?"   
Cassie nodded and sniffed. "We had French together."   
I walked around the desks and bent down to hug her. She sobbed quietly into my shoulder until the teacher started the lesson. We got our exams back, checked over them and then we were told to start working on our notes for the next chapter, I don't' think anyone did, though, Cassie and I didn't anyway. We opened our books, but mostly we talked. Well, Cassie talked, I was just listening. I'd never heard Cassie talk so much, but it was obvious she needed to so I just listened and the teacher didn't say anything.   
"How do we know it was a snowmobile accident?" Cassie asked after a break in the conversation.   
"What do you mean?"   
"We've been busy with the Yeerks all weekend. What if she was a controller? Or Visser Three got mad and..."   
"First of all, we don't talk about that in school, remember? Secondly, it's supposed to be open casket visitation, they wouldn't do that if we were involved."   
"Yeah...I guess you're right." The final bell rang and we all gathered up our things. "Have you seen her locker?" she asked as we left class.   
"I've kind of avoided it," I admitted. "It's where all the people who knew her have been hanging out. I didn't want to intrude."   
"Would you come with me quick over there? I want to leave a note, but don't want to go alone."   
"Um, sure." I felt kind of awkward going over there, like I was a spectator at some gross sporting event, but Cassie was my best friend, I was doing this for her.   
Amanda's locker was amazing. Drawings and newspaper articles were taped to her locker and flowers were piled on the floor around it. The wall across from her locker had several cards-the pieces of poster board I'd seen earlier-where people had left messages for Amanda. As Cassie taped a letter to the locker, I read some of the messages. Most were just saying how much they'd miss her, but they were so heartfelt I felt tears stinging the back of my eyes. It was almost too much. I've seen a lot of death, but the fact that people my age had to make such a beautiful tribute to their friend wasn't fair.   
"You okay?" Cassie asked, putting an arm around my shoulder.   
I shook my head to clear it. "Yeah, I'm fine."   
"C'mon, let's get out of here. I need to hurry if I'm going to catch my bus."

I walked home sullenly that afternoon, still thinking about the tribute to Amanda. I came home to an empty house since Mom was at work and Sara and Jordan were still in school, so I went up to my room, opened the window in case Tobias stopped by and logged onto the net.   
I'd just started to read through my e-mail when I heard the sound of a bird landing on my windowsill. "Hey, Tobias."   
Hi, Rachel. >   
"what's up?"   
He fluttered over to my desk. Saw you on the way home from school, you looked pretty depressed. What's wrong? >   
I felt the tears resurfacing. "A girl at school was killed over the weekend. In a snowmobile accident."   
Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry. >   
I shook my head and wiped away the tears before they could fall. "It's okay, I didn't really know her, I just passed her in the hall occasionally. But it's still a shock, you know?"   
I can imagine. >   
"School was a mess today. Everyone was crying, but I couldn't. Not only didn't I know her, but I'm big, strong, brave RAchel. I'm not allowed to cry." I sniffed. "But this is different. This isn't something I should have to be strong about. No one should have to be strong about the death of a classmate, but I've had to spend the day as a shoulder to cry on and I'm sick of it!" I hate to admit it, but I started crying then. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Tobias, who'd morphed human while I was lamenting. He knelt down and put his arms around me and I unashamedly cried into his shoulder.   
We stayed like that for at least half an hour, until I didn't have any tears left. As my tears dried, I pushed away from Tobias. "I"m sorry. That wasn't very becoming, I'm sure."   
"It's okay. You've been listening to people all day, you needed someone to listen to you."   
Isn't that sweet? That's why I love the guy.   
I heard a door slam downstairs. "That's probably my mom, you'd better go. If she catches you up here, she'll kill me."   
"All right. Bye." He began to demorph.   
"Bye." He finished the morph quickly and flew away, just before my mom knocked on my door.   
"Rachel? You talking to someone in there?"   
"No, Mom. Just myself."   
"May I come in?"   
"Sure."   
She came inside and sat down on the bed. I turned my chair around so I could look at her. "Why in the world do you have this window open? It's the middle of January!" She closed the window. "No wonder the heating bills have been so much lately."   
"Sorry."   
"Anyways, how was school today?"   
"Awful. But I'd rather not talk about it." I'd already had my big cry, I wasn't going to have another.   
She nodded sympathetically. "Anything you do want to talk about?"   
"No."   
"When's the funeral?"   
I thought back to the morning's announcement. "Visitation's from three to five and seven to nine. The funeral's tomorrow at one."   
"Do you want to go to either? I have tomorrow off so I could take you out of school."   
"No, I didn't know her, I'd feel out of place at her funeral, or even visitation. I don't even really know anyone who knew her, except for Cassie and I think I saw Melissa by Amanda's locker."   
"How were they holding up?"   
"How do you think?" I asked, suddenly defensive. I _told_ her I didn't want to talk about it, why was she pressing it? "I seriously don't want to talk, Mom. I've had enough of it today."   
"Okay, okay. I'll leave you alone. You can stay up here this afternoon, I'll keep Sara and Jordan from bugging you."   
"Thanks, Mom."   
She gave me a huge. "Anytime, sweetie."   
I spent the rest of the evening in my room, only going downstairs to get a sandwich for dinner. I spent the time catching up on overdue homework, surfing the net and listening to music. For once I had an evening to myself, but I couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't escape the memories of the day, from finding out about Amanda to crying on Tobias' shoulder.   
Around ten, just as I was starting to feel tired, there was a knock at the door.   
"Come in," I called, turning off the computer.   
Mom stepped into the room. "Hi."   
"What's up?"   
She sat down on the bed and motioned for me to sit beside her. I did so and she wrapped me in a tight hug. "You okay?"   
"How many times are you going to ask me that today? I'm _fine._"   
"Sorry, it's my job as a mother. I'm just worried. I'm not sure how to handle this, I can't even imagine how you must feel. I never lost a classmate. Your father did, I think, but we met in college." She paused. "So you're sure you're fine?"   
I felt the all too familiar feeling of tears behind my eyes. "No, I'm not. But I'll be fine, I have to be."   
"Oh, Rachel, no you don't! No one has to be 'fine' when someone dies."   
I wanted so badly to tell her right there all the reasons I had for why I had to be fine, but a few of those reasons could very well have gotten me killed if Mom was a controller. But I didn't want to think about that at the moment. Controller or not, she was my mother right then. My mother, who was giving me a way to stop being fearless Rachel for an evening and just be a scared and sad teenage girl. I felt the tears coming back and this time I didn't resist them. I laid my head on her shoulder and cried, not only for Amanda, but for all the times over the past year when I wanted to cry but, being Xena, I couldn't.

School the next day was only slightly less chaotic than the day before. People were still clogging the hallways, giving eachother hugs, but made more of an effort to get to class on time. My first hour, once everyone was there, was a bit of a shock. Alot of people were dressed up in skirts and suits, even people who generally lived in jeans. I felt extremely underdressed compared to them, since I was just in jeans and a T-shirt. They were all leaving school early to attend Amanda's funeral, most car pooling with teachers or friend's parent's at the end of lunch.   
I sat with Cassie and the others at lunch, a definite security risk, but Cassie needed the support. She was still a bit of a wreck and kept smoothing her skirt self consciously. Yes, skirt. She'd called me that morning and asked if I could bring a few skirts and dresses to school for her to try on before going to the funeral. It took a little work, but I got her into a skirt and blouse we could both agree on.   
Lunch was eaten pretty much in silence. Marco tried to crack a few jokes, but none of them seemed really funny. Not that his jokes ever are, but these seemed strained.   
The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. We all stood up to leave, almost grateful lunch was over. Cassie and I threw away our trays and I gave her a final hug before she joined the throng of students waiting outside the office to sign themselves out. I didn't see many people I'd consider friends among them, but I did see Melissa. I hadn't talked to her in a while, so since I had a few minutes, I went up to her.   
"Hey, Melissa."   
She looked at me, surprised. "Hi, Rachel. Are you going, too?"   
"No, I didn't know her. I'd feel extremely weird going."   
"Oh. Hey, I haven't seen you at gymnastics in a while. Aren't you still in it?"   
I winced. I'd kind of been skipping out on that for Animorph business. "Um, yeah, I'm still in it, just haven't been able to make it lately."   
"Oh. Are you going tonight? I'm going to be there after the funeral."   
"Definitely." I hadn't actually been planning on it, since I still had homework to do, but Melissa was more important.   
I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around looked up at my science teacher. "Unless you're leaving, you still have class to attend," he said, then moved on to collect other dawdling students.   
I sighed and turned back to Melissa. "That'd be my cue to go. I'll see you in gymnastics."   
"See you."

I wasn't concentrating well in gymnastics, not a good thing, especially when you're out of practice, but I wasn't alone. More than one girl had fallen off the balance beam or messed up her vault. I'd just slipped off the former when Melissa came into the gym from the locker room, her face red from crying. I got up from the floor, rubbing my elbow where I'd hit it on the beam as I fell, and jogged over to Melissa. She was me coming and threw her arms around me in an unexpected burst of emotion. She sobbed quietly into my shoulder. I caught the coach's eye and motioned that I was going to take Melissa back to the locker room. He nodded and I carefully guided Melissa back to the locker room and sat her down on a bench.   
"It was so beautiful. But horrible. You should have seen Amanda! She looked so pretty, but not like herself at all," Melissa sobbed. "I mean, you know how she was really pale? They put so much makeup on her she looked _tan_. And the glitter! Amanda hardly ever wore glitter, but they'd piled a ton of it on her eyelids. It looked really cool, but not like her at all." She began to cry again, I just sat there and let her cry on my shoulder for a few minutes until her sobs were reduced to occasional sniffs.   
"You going to be okay?" I asked her when she began to calm down.   
She sniffed again and nodded. "Yeah, thanks, Rachel."   
"Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"   
"I haven't been much of one lately. I'm sorry. We need to hang out some more."   
I nodded. "That'd be cool."   
She stood up and took a deep breath. "Let's go back to class."

During the next two weeks, things began to get back to normal. Amanda gradually began to recede from my thoughts as the only memorial left to her was a bulletin board where the drawings and letters left on her locker were being showcased.   
School was running smoothly again, everyone was settled into their new schedules, and while no one had forgotten Amanda, she wasn't the only thing we thought of day and night.   
Friday afternoon, exactly two weeks after Amanda was killed, the principal came over the PA system with announcements. He gave a few about sports practice cancellations, then moved onto the point of the announcement.   
"In memory of Amanda, some of her friends have created a video tribute to her." He then gave the channel it'd be on and wished us a good weekend.   
The teacher turned on the TV and we all turned in our seats so we could see it easily, if not genuinely interested, thankful to get out of the last few minutes of geometry.   
The video started, spelling out Amanda's name across the screen as the opening bars to a song played. The video was just pictures of Amanda, from when she was a baby up to this year. There were a few giggles around the room when friends recognized the pictures. One girl, Anne, was in her seat lip synching and playing air guitar along with the song. A few really obnoxious people gave her mean looks, but she was a friend of Amanda's, most of us just thought it was sweet.   
The video ended with one of Amanda's poems, I guess she'd been really into poetry. Once the video was over, a few people clapped. The creator's weren't in the room to accept the compliment, but it was still a good thought. Whoever had made it had put a lot of time into it, that was obvious.   
Since there was only a few minutes before the bell rang, our teacher let us pack up and talk for the remaining time.   
"What do you think they'd do if one of us died?" Cassie asked me quietly as we shoved our books into our bags.   
"What?"   
"You know as well as I that any day now we could be killed. Think any of us will get such a touching tribute?   
"Cassie, none of us are going to die," I reassured her.   
"Really? Remember Visser--John Berryman? When we were following him? You died then, Rachel. So did Jake. None of us are immortal. It's getting to the point where I don't think 'Will I die?' it's 'When?'"   
"Cassie, I won't let you die. Or Jake, or Ax, or Tobias. Or even Marco. We're all going to live long, healthy lives. Okay?"   
The bell rang and we joined the rush out the door.   
"I hope you're right, Rachel. I hope you're right."


End file.
